Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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