I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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