Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
