Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
