It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
