Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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