I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
