Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
