mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
