I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
