Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
