He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
