I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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