I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
