I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
