i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
