so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
