if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
