You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
