Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
