Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
