every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
