When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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