Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
