Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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