I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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