I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
