i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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