just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
