Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
FUCK WHALES
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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