Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
