Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He's a Shit stain on my heart
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
