I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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