i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
