hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
