i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
