There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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