His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
