did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
