haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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