Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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