I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
