I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
