I'm jealous of your bromance
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
