My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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