I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
this beer tastes like vomit already
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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