I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
