I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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