Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
