u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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