it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
