WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
