my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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