Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
