Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
did i just pee glitter
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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