I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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