The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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