And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
